I’ve been here before so many times that counting seems
meaningless. It’s easier if it doesn’t matter, because then I don’t have to
figure out what I’m supposed to learn. The lessons keep repeating until a
moment of awareness that motivates a place of willingness. I keep thinking that
as long as I can the most horrific face of God staring back at me again
everything will somehow work itself out. The failure in this perspective is
thinking that I can be a passive participant in life.
God has many faces. Some of them are beautiful, like the one
that I see staring back at me every time you look beyond the edges of my
material existence. Where you force me to acknowledge the light I try so hard
to keep hidden from the world out of fear that allowing it will result in the
same corruption that I allow myself to life in. Some of them are terrifying,
like the flashbacks I have of myself dying slowly in the cold of winter as I
coward in the freezing temperatures of February at 2:56 am. Those terrible
times where it all faded away and the only mystery that held any meaning came
with a choice that can’t be taken back. Living in the peripheral makes it difficult
to see between these extremes.
I have convinced myself that the most horrific face is the
one I see shrouded in ice through sleepless eyes. Completely focused on the
single image, I didn’t see the shards melt into a sweet amber waterfall, endless
and warm. I can’t breath anymore. All of the energy feels distorted and painful.
Within us all exists the Buddha and the seven headed demon.
Each moment of our life we have a decision in which one we show the world and
which one we show ourselves. It’s easy to show the world our demons when we
allow them to consume our internal narrative. A single mistake soon becomes the
justification for completely turning away from our path and giving into the
base desires that only serve to diminish our truth and leave us spiritually destitute.
I want to feel the brilliance of existence again. I want to
love myself and everything I bring into my reality. I want to live a life where waking up each morning is the greatest gift in the universe.
I want to be clean again.
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