As long as we're trying to change the past we have no control over the future.
Acceptance can be a difficult thing for me. I'm sure that's true for a lot of people, especially those who have been given the same four letter designation as I have. Recently I was challenged or perhaps I challenged myself, I'm honestly not sure who the instigator was, to work on the idea of Radical Acceptance. This is something that I have worked on in the past, but it quickly became radical denial. I wasn't ready to even think about, much less accept, the pain that has become fundamental to my character. While I ignored the pain I embraced the suffering every chance I had, showing it off to anyone willing to see like an eight year old with a brand new puppy. Now the dog is dead and all that's left is the same little boy who just a year later had his first experience with addiction... After the van is when my problems sleeping began. It was no different from today really, hours of lying in the darkness wishing I could sleep but afraid of what I'd see there. I had a cold at one point and was given NyQuil to help with the symptoms. I then took it every night for at least two months, until I'd gone through enough that my parents questioned where it was all going. I can vividly recall the night they told me I couldn't take it anymore. I was screaming and crying, afraid I'd never sleep again. These tantrums went on for a number of days. I can see the emotion when I close my eyes, but I'm not exactly sure how best to describe it for you. Further details are still shrouded by mechanisms designed to ensure I wouldn't even remember this much. It's hard to accept that a nine year old child could be so haunted by the past they would do anything to hide from it. I'm not okay with what happened 28 years ago, or with so many other events that have happened since then, but I don't want them to control my life anymore. I can't change what happened then, sometimes things just are.
Acceptance can be a difficult thing for me. I'm sure that's true for a lot of people, especially those who have been given the same four letter designation as I have. Recently I was challenged or perhaps I challenged myself, I'm honestly not sure who the instigator was, to work on the idea of Radical Acceptance. This is something that I have worked on in the past, but it quickly became radical denial. I wasn't ready to even think about, much less accept, the pain that has become fundamental to my character. While I ignored the pain I embraced the suffering every chance I had, showing it off to anyone willing to see like an eight year old with a brand new puppy. Now the dog is dead and all that's left is the same little boy who just a year later had his first experience with addiction... After the van is when my problems sleeping began. It was no different from today really, hours of lying in the darkness wishing I could sleep but afraid of what I'd see there. I had a cold at one point and was given NyQuil to help with the symptoms. I then took it every night for at least two months, until I'd gone through enough that my parents questioned where it was all going. I can vividly recall the night they told me I couldn't take it anymore. I was screaming and crying, afraid I'd never sleep again. These tantrums went on for a number of days. I can see the emotion when I close my eyes, but I'm not exactly sure how best to describe it for you. Further details are still shrouded by mechanisms designed to ensure I wouldn't even remember this much. It's hard to accept that a nine year old child could be so haunted by the past they would do anything to hide from it. I'm not okay with what happened 28 years ago, or with so many other events that have happened since then, but I don't want them to control my life anymore. I can't change what happened then, sometimes things just are.
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